Thanks for saving his life

An American tourist was playing golf in Scotland when he came to a hole with a fast flowing river running down the side of the fairway. A young boy was sitting at the bank of the river and as the tourist hooked his drive and hit the boy who fell into the river. By the time the worried golfer arrived at the river bank, the boy was sinking into the deep water for the third time and was looking poorly.

The tourist immediately jumped into the river and after a real struggle managed to bring the boy to dry land where he quickly revived him. He then brought the boy back to the clubhouse where he arranged for a taxi to take the boy home.

About an hour later a man arrived at the clubhouse and asked the Pro, "Could you tell me where the man is who saved my son?"

The Pro replied "He's over in the hotel - check with the receptionist."
The man then went to the hotel and asked the receptionist, "Could you tell me where the man is who saved my son?"

"Yes, I'll call his room and ask him to come down," was the reply.
A few minutes later the American tourist came down. The man asked him, "Are you the man who saved my son?"

"Yes, I sure am," was the reply.

"Well, would you have his cap?"

Why are you fighting

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10 green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight.

The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men.

"Why are you fighting?" he asked "You see," said one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these buggers want to include it on the scorecard."

I'll go back as a...

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself.

Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian.

Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees"!!

"Immovable obstruction"

Sam and Harry are playing one day. On the first hole, Sam hits a wicked slice into the adjoining fairway. The ball hits another player right between the eyes and he drops to the ground.

Sam and Harry rush over to the prostrate man and find him unconscious with the ball laying on the ground between his legs.
Sam screams, "Oh my God, what should I do?"

Harry replies; "Don't move him. If you leave him there he becomes an immovable obstruction and, according to the rules, you are allowed a drop two club-lengths away."

" Unlucky Sam "

Dame Fortune was seldom kind to Sam . Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck. He loved poker but poker did not love Sam; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low. His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups.

His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive. Finally Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course.

Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds.

" Couldn't get over the water "

These two couples play golf together regularly at their club, and on the sixth hole, a par four, the second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water. One of the women, Mrs. Smith, for over a year, could never carry the water, and would always hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water.

Her friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hynotherapist as rumor was that that could be of help in such a situation. So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions. In those sessions, the woman was hypnotized and the therapist would "plant suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.

About six months later, someone at the club asked whatever happened to Mrs. Smith, that she hadn't seen Mrs. Smith playing golf at the club for almost four months now. She was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Smith had drowned at the par four sixth!

" I kept her tee time "

Fred, playing as a single at St Andrews was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.

The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."

" Respect for the dead "

Yes, and there's the one about the party of golfers who notice a funeral passing by on a road adjacent to the course. Ralph suggests to the others, "Why don't we pause a moment and show some respect for the dead." So they remove their caps and stand in silence as car after car goes by.

Finally, Ralph remarks, "There sure are a lot of cars. That person must have been well loved." Bill replies, "Yes, she was. We would have been married 25 years tomorrow."

" That was my provisional "

Bill got a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death. Bill told him the whole sad story. "We were on the third hole. Sally, my wife, was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's box when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock, I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up."

The coroner replied "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?"

"Oh," said Bill. "That was my provisional."

" Drag George "

A fellow comes home after golf one Sunday afternoon, falls asleep on the couch, and doesn't wake up until about 9 PM. His wife asks why he is so tired. "Well, You remember George, my golfing buddy? He died today, on the fourth green."

"That's terrible, it must have been awful" she says. "It sure was," he says, "For the next 14 holes it was drive, drag George, chip, drag George, putt, drag George..."